


The Value of a Shit Hole (or Dorian visits Kirkwall)

by Saria118



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Implied Sexual Content, Multi, Post Game, basically lets torment dorian with embaressment, hawkexisabela here but not focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22852441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saria118/pseuds/Saria118
Summary: For a change of pace Dorian visits Varric in Kirkwall And gets more than he bargained for. Lighthearted funny fic. Basically I torment Dorian with embarrassment.
Kudos: 2





	The Value of a Shit Hole (or Dorian visits Kirkwall)

There was one thing to be said about Varric as viscount, the city of Kirkwall was less of shit hole compared to the last time Dorian had visited. It suited him for his current needs, that being to get away from things for a bit. Life as a magister had been weighing on him as well as other things as of late. The mage just wanted to blend, live in anonymity for a little bit and get shit faced at a bar without it being a public scandal.

And it was for this reason Dorian found himself at the Hanged Man drinking what he could only describe as grog mixed with poorly fermented ale and a hint of rat piss. It did it’s job, however, so he drank.

“Why Varric praises this place I’ll never understand.” He thought to himself as he finished another tankard. “Although I suppose the views here aren’t too bad...”

One view in particular had taken Dorians interest the second he’d made his way through the place with ease. A regular most like; yet he didn’t look like your average drunkard not in the slightest. He was tall and carried himself with confidence, along with a strong form that the man clearly took pride in. The sort of form one couldn’t help but stare at, or so Dorian told himself. It certainly didn’t help he had a face to match perfectly framed with a dark beard and mop of hair that gave the impression he’d simply woke up like that.

“I think I’d rather like to test that theory” Dorian thought to himself as he took another drink. Not that he’d act on it, just enjoying the look of him was enough he was here for a simple night after all.

The magisters plan was thwarted however as the strangers eyes locked with his own. Quickly Dorian looked away trying to pretend he hadn’t been staring, that it’d only been an accident but the stranger seemed to know better as he made his way to Dorians table.

“You’re new to Kirkwall aren’t you.” The stranger asked tankard in hand, helping himself to the empty chair across from Dorian. He would have found it completely rude if it weren’t for the mans entirely disarming smile.

“That obvious?” He retorted attempting to maintain a level of disinterest, while also trying to name the color of the mans warm eyes.

“Maybe just to me.” The stranger smiled taking a drink. “So just visiting or making a home here, serrah?” He asked seeming all too eager to speak. Really Dorian ought to excuse himself but then when did he ever do what was good for him?

“Just a visit, seeing an old friend.” Dorian replied thinking for a moment before a wicked idea sparked in him. “And lets just say my name is Kalen tonight.”

“Just say it is?” The man laughed amused by Dorians little game.

“Yes, for tonight I am just a man named Kalen visiting Kirkwall. I’d really rather be a normal person for a night.” He’d excepted the handsome stranger would question him but instead his smile only grew.

“I can get behind that. Call me Garrett practically no one does.” A curious phrasing but Dorian chose to ignore it.

“Well Garrett I take it you’re local to Kirkwall.” If this man was going to be sticking around he could at least enjoy the company.

“That I am it’s been my home for some years now.”

“Can’t imagine it much better for locals.”

“It grows on you.”

“Hmmmm like a fungus...” Dorian hadn’t intended for it to sound so callous and would have apologized but his companion only laughed.

“Yes exactly! A fungus you’ve found you like for better or worse.” He motioned to the barkeep for another round and to Dorian’s surprise he offered him a new one. “To Kirkwall the Fungus of the Free Marches,” He laughed and Dorian found himself laughing along. “They’ll never get rid of us!”

“My word you are infallible.” Dorian manages to let out clinking their somewhat filthy mugs.

“I try not to let too much bother me.” Garrett smirks catching him off guard for a moment but only one.

“Ahhh it would appear you have some brain to pair with the brawn.”

“So you noticed? I wasn’t sure.”

Was he flirting? Dorian wasn’t quite sure, he could simply be the overly friendly sort.

“Well they are rather hard to miss.”

“My father always said it’s best to work your body in tandem with your mind, don’t want to rely too heavily on one.”

“Hmmm an interesting philosophy to live by...”

The talk of fathers caused Dorian to retreat a tad into his drink. The pain there was still fresh it would seem.

“Well I thought it good advice it certainly helped me as a young mage with far too much energy.”

Dorian sputtered his drink a little at Garrett’s nonchalant confession.

“You alright there Kalen?” He looked to get up and help, but Dorian waved him off composing himself quickly.

“No it’s just this.... isn’t this a touch public to speak of that?” He asked just above a whisper. Garrett seemed to look at him with confusion before making a face of understanding and sitting back down.

“Kirkwall isn’t what it once was we’re a little more lax here about that now. Though I was never really good at hiding it.” That certainly helped to explain some things.

“Well then that’s good for me as I’ve also been rather poor at that ability.” The man smirked with satisfaction at his confession.

“Ha I had a feeling you were a mage! Should’ve bet money on it....” He teased before a mischievous glint appeared in his eyes. By the maker what were they? Amber? Honey? Copper perhaps?

“You are a very peculiar sort of man, let alone mage.” He retorted taking another sip of the drink that was perhaps starting to get to him as it actually tasted passable. Or maybe it was the company.

“You say that yet I feel one could describe you that way.”

“Is that why you sat down? You felt us cut from the same cloth?”

Then Garrett did something Dorian hadn’t expected leaning in close so he could really inspect his features. His presence and scent knocking everything else to the wayside as he spoke slow and deep,

“Well that and you have very pretty eyes.”

Now that was most definitely flirting. And not the sort where one simply walks away after. To put it simply Dorian was stunned.

“Oh I’m sorry,” Garrett replied quickly moving back, looking very much like a hurt dog. “If I read you wrong I apologize.....” he said with a muttering of I’m usually better at this.

“No!” Dorian shouted a little louder and quicker than he’d intended. “I mean no, you are not wrong I just um let’s just say it’s been awhile.”

“Oh I see...” He smiles relieved, settling back in the chair. “Well we don’t have to do anything let’s just continue and see where the night takes us?”

“I’d like that very much Garrett.” This man was truly a rarity.

The night in question took them to the back of an alley where in they hid from the guard poorly as they drunkenly laughed unable to keep their hands away too long. It then ended with Dorian feeling delightfully sore in his inn room and Garrett poorly attempting to dress himself.

“Can’t say this was something I expected to happen on my visit to Kirkwall.” Dorian spoke lazily still a touch hungover.

“And would you say that’s a good or bad thing?” He asked in a way that made him sound entirely too smug whilst complaining about buckles.

“Ask me again when I’m actually sober...” He groaned into the pillow the sun was far too bright.

“Oh?” Garrett chuckled “So you want there to be a next time.” He stated far too smugly for a man currently failing at buttoning his own tunic.

“I....that’s not what I...” But Garrett shushed him a charming smile.

“I get it you needed a bit of fun last night. I felt it in your shoulders, you seem to carry a lot there.” Maybe Dorian was still a little drunk but he looked almost sympathetic gone was the man of wit and ease. Instead he looked as though he lived three lifetimes.

With a gentle soothing touch of magic to the head Dorians hangover receded and he could look up at the man as he smiled. “Enjoy the rest of your time in Kirkwall and maybe our paths will cross again.”

But they didn’t.

After Dorian managed to catch up with Varric the dwarf had used him as excuse to avoid work. For after all he was escorting a dignitary of the Imperium. A ruse Dorian was more than happy to feed into it was rather fun to keep snooty vendors on their toes by playing the fearsome magestor. By his third day he’d seen all the sights, heard all the stories and even went back to the Hanged Man with Varric in tow. But he never did manage to come across the mystery mage again.

On Dorians Firth day Varric took him to the harbor an action that caused him a bit of confusion as he stared up at the statue of the Champion.

“I thought you’d already showed me everything of value here?” He asked his companion.

“Oh I have, thing is I just got word an important ship coming back into harbor and I wanted to be here to receive it” Varric replied rather happy with himself.

“Really? What is it carrying that’s so valuable?”

“Oh no idea probably better if I don’t.”

“So why is the ship important?”

“It’s not the cargo I’m interested in, the captain is an old friend.”

“Ahhhhh So you’re using me as a cover to greet them.”

“I always knew you were smart sparkler.”

As Varric laughed Dorian pondered who this friend could be and if he’d even want to associate with them, when he realized something.

“Why are we waiting in front of this statue and not at the docks?”

“Oh because we’re waiting for someone else.” As he looked down Dorian could see that look in Varrics eye, he was trying to goad him into talking. Well he knew the dwarf well enough to not play into his hand....anymore.

“So how does the fire stay burning like that?”

“Is that really all you wanna know?”

“Why yes it’s been utterly mystifying me.”

The pair chatted back and forth for sometime as Dorian purposely avoided the topic Varric wished to discuss. Then he heard a familiar voice come from behind.

“Honestly Varric when will you tear that bloody thing down? You know I hate it.” Dorians entire body tensed, ‘it couldn’t be be.’ He thought.

“That’s because knowing how much you hate it brings my dwarf heart a little joy, why must you want to take that away Hawke?” The pair laughed and Dorian wanted desperately to find an easy way out of this horrid predicament.

“Hey sparkler!” Varric called, “cmon it’s not like you two haven’t met before...actually did you meet those days are a little muddled with the inquisition...” The dwarf pondered and Dorian turned seeing Garrett under new eyes, this wasn’t just a peculiar mage in a bar this was a living legend.

“Oh! We met, in a way, just not at Skyhold.” Hawke said with ease as Dorian tried not to look mortified. “I was a little busy trying not to be seen then.” He laughed. “Crossed paths here in Kirkwall a few days ago before Aveline made me go chase some raiders.”

“A hero’s work is never done.” Varric chucked. “But Dorian why didn’t you say something?”

“I didn’t know he was the Champion, you’re descriptions are not as accurate as you like to think.” Dorian replied a bit too curtly moving past the pair. Now that he thought of the book though Dorian couldn’t help but feel there was something he needed to remember “Well weren’t you the one who needed to see a ship?”

“Your sure quick to change the subject.” Varric mused falling into step with Hawke behind him. “Tell me did he do something embarrassing Hawke?”

“Depends on how you define embarrassing.” Hawke replied all too smugly, a trait Dorian found to far less appealing in daylight . “But more important you are sure this time right?” That however caught Dorians attention what was on this ship that was so important to the two of them?

“I’m sure Hawke don’t worry so much Rivani’s a big girl.” Varric placated the Champion and it clicked for Dorian. The romance that seemed too trite to be real that he’d overlooked it as merely more of Varrics dramatic flare. Taking a glimpse of Hawkes face however told him it wasn’t that much of an exaggeration.

‘Shit!’ He thought to himself in a panic. ‘Adultry, great perfect. Years of avoiding taken men in tevinter and I manage to shack up with one who has a book written about him.’ Frustrated with himself he hadn’t noticed said man entering his space.

“Are you alright?” Hawke whispered causing Dorian to jump a little, quickly looking to find Varric speaking with the harbor master.

“No not in the slightest.” He confessed clicking his tongue in anger.

“Sorry I honestly thought you knew who I was.” And he certainly looked it.

“Well obviously I didn’t,” still he was upset and cursed “Venhedis” under breath.

“Haha I know that one, Fenris use to say it all the time.” He laughed and Dorian found him wanting to laugh along. This man was far too dangerous.

“I should go.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Why?! Are you serious?”

“Yes? You’d miss meeting Isabela I think you two would get on great.”

“Yes I’m certain she’d simply adore meeting a man you slept with in her absence.”

His laugh caught Dorian off guard. He’d intended for his words to be biting not humorous.

“And you certainly don’t know Isabela.”

Before Dorian could reply a woman with an ostentatious hat sauntered in beside Varric.

“Who doesn’t know me?” She called with a chuckle looping an arm over Hawkes shoulder despite the height difference. “Oh do please tell me it’s your new friend with the fancy hair.” She winked and even Dorian blushed at the sheer blatancy of her statement. So this was what Hawke meant.

If Dorian had found Hawke far too charming to say no to than Isabela was far too forceful to ignore. Varric had described her as like the sea itself and Dorian found this to not just be purple prose.

Somehow she’d managed to get the them all in the Hanged Man playing cards. Well Isabela and Varric played, Dorian and Hawke fell out rather quickly each time.

“Remind me why I’m here to lose money?” Dorian complained as he once more folded out.

“Why for the charming company of course.” Varric laughed raising Isabela once more.

“And the drinks.” She remarked before playfully pushing her empty tankard to Hawke. “Be a dear and get us another round?”

“Fine” he smiled, taking some of her coin on the table. “But this rounds on you”

“Oh you will pay for that.” She teased slapping his ass for good measure, laughing until he was out of earshot.

Once he was she leaned across to Dorians direction, cards and money ignored and asked, “So, how was he?”

Dorian was greatful he could blame the redness of his face on drinks. “I don’t know to what you are referring...”

“Yes Rivani what are you referring to?” Varric chimed in, obviously enjoying this.

“I’m referring to this dear mage getting the distinct honor of knowing what the Champion of Kirkwalls penis looks and feels like.”

Dorian laughed trying to hide his embarrassment. “I’m sure it’s an exclusive honor but not one I’ve been privy to...” he tried to play it off but the pirates laugh stopped.

“Ohhhhh” she cooed, “you’re so cute when you lie.”

“I don’t know what you’re..”

“It’s alright, I’m not mad.”

“What?”

“What and who Hawke does while I’m not around is his business. We have an....understanding. I’m just curious is all.”

Dorian was shocked into silence rubbing the bridge of his nose at this information.

“I’m just trying to process all this...it’s not what I expected.”

Varric laughed at him, “really? I must not have described you right Isabela.” Dorian had nearly forgotten he was there.

“Oh for shame Varric tsk tsk.” The pair laughed as he understood just what was happening here. It was not uncommon in Tevinter this sort of ‘understanding’ but he’d never heard of it in the free marches.

“So are you going to answer my question? Hurry up he’s almost finished.” Isabela pointed out, Hawke waiting on the ludicrous amount of alcohol at the counter.

“It’s just..... Hawke very much prefers his women on top so I wanted to know how he is with a man.” Her golden eyes gleamed in mirth.

“Can’t you just ask him yourself?” Dorian countered. Truly though he doubt he could remember how it went exactly. Nor did he want it Varric using it for some book.

“Oh but where’s the fun in that?” She chuckled and as he’d suspected this show was all for her own odd sense of fun.

“Where’s the fun in what?” Hawke asked the drinks settling on the table in a loud thud.

“Oh Rivani was just trying to find out who plunged their sword into whom when you and sparkler had your encounter.”

“Thank you for that oh so tackful summary Varric.”

“Happy to oblige Dorian.” The dwarf chuckled obviously enjoying this. And Dorian supposed he could not fault the man for that were the places reversed he’d find this all very amusing.

“oh is that all?” Hawke chuckled taking his seat between them. “Hmm you know I can’t seem to recall must’ve drank too much.”

“Spoiled sport.” The pirate pouted at not getting the answer she desired only for it to disappear and that glint to return. “Unlesssssss......”

“Isabela” Hawke nearly growled out like a warning.

“Well I know where this is headed.” Varric casually pushed himself out of his seat, patting Dorian on the back with a solemn look on his face. “Sparkler I wish you the best of luck.”

Dorian hadn’t the chance to ask what he meant before Isabela began shouting at him.

“Don’t think I’ve given up on you Varric! You are the white whale and I will harpoon you!” Her laughter somehow echoing throughout the tavern as Varric raised his hands in a show of washing them of this scene.

Once more Hawke gave that warning to the pirate which she brushed off easily.

“No need to pout, you know it’s more for you than me.” She cooed patting his cheek, a small blush appearing for a moment.

‘Now that’s certainly not something the dwarf picked up on in his book.’ Dorian noted to himself.

“Well are you in or not?” Isabela asked redirecting her attention back to Dorian.

“In on this round of cards?” He replied purposely avoiding the implication of her words. “I think not I lost enough coin this night and I really out to turn in. So...”

“Ohhhhhh have some reservations I see.” She challenges smugly forcing him in place by pride. “I can assure you I have a rather impressive experience. Did you know I once spent a very pleasant night with the Hero of Fereldan and their pretty red head?” That caught Dorian by surprise.

“Leliana?”

“Oh right she’s in that inquisition thing.”

“I very much doubt this tale.”

“Go on ask her. I’m sure her face will turn as red as her hair.”

“Perhaps I will.”

“And perhaps you’re stalling?”

Though she framed it like a question Dorian could easily see she was goading him.

“Perhaps I’m just trying to find the best wording to reject your most gracious offer.” He replied smoothly hoping that would end things.

“Scared are we?” Of course it didn’t.

“What?! Don’t be preposterous!” It was only partially a lie.

“Ohhhhh not interested in my many assets?” Whatever face he was currently making must’ve told her everything for he hadn’t the time to respond before she spoke again. “I can work with that though if we have Hawke in the middle oh! Or I could watch or...”

“Isabela!”

Finally Hawke cut her off, surprise stopping her mouth from saying anything else.

“Isabela I swear sometimes you forget others aren’t as open about their wants as you are and as much as I love you for it...” Hawke spoke clearly and open and Dorian swore the pirates face flushed a little.

“Don’t say that!” She barked punching his arm which only served to make him laugh.

“Hmmm what’s that exactly?”

“You know what”

“You know I think I know but I’m not quite sure....”

“Hawke....”

And suddenly their positions were reversed.

“Ah I know!” Suddenly he stood up as he yelled,

“ATTENTION PATRONS OF THE HANGED MAN I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I LO...”

“Am VERY drunk and shutting up!” Isabela shouted pulling him down and her face was certainly red. “You made your point...” she spoke almost shyly, as Hawke laughed.

“It’s funny, she’ll tell you every little sordid detail of her past sexual encounters but just three little has her blushing like a maid.” Hawke explained to Dorian who was now seeing Isabela with new eyes.

“That’s different......” part of Dorian understood, sex was sex feelings however was something else.

“Regardless I would very much like to her that story of Leliana with as many sordid details as you can manage.” Dorian offered with a smile and Isabela’s seemed to reappear. “Be nice to lord some information over her for once.”

“Well in that case.” She laughed. “So I was in this tavern in Fereldan it wasn’t as charming as this one but...”

Kirkwall was still a bit of a shit hole in Dorians opinion but the people who lived there well they were worth the trip. Perhaps he’d visit again with nicer accommodations.

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno i found this idea very funny


End file.
